Wire Services:

Tensions were high at the Fernvale Country Club as the the American team began preparations for its annual Match Play competition against the International team. In fact, long-time observers had never seen things this ugly. Whereas golf competitions are generally distinguished by sportsmanship and etiquette, this particular match had devolved into a rude shouting match even before the first tee was placed in the ground. Players were already at each others’ throats, a fact uncommon in its own right, but even more unfathomable because the players were on the same team!

While the roots of this acrimony may be debated, most watchers agree that it began with the election of the flamboyant DT as the Team Captain. Player and longtime team member BC had probably preferred “low energy” JB or “1 for 38” JK to lead the team, although many suspected privately that he was probably a little upset no one had asked him to be Team Captain or, at least, Vice Captain.

Hostilities then perked up between the two again as BC jumped on the anti-DT bandwagon by giving solemn credence to that faction’s claim that DT had colluded with internationalist VP to steal his election. And even though nothing had come of that claim in almost a year, despite a highly-publicized investigation by the USGA which had even appointed a team of special Rules officials to review all charges, DT and BC still viewed each other with suspicion.

As the date for the Cup competition in Fernvale approached, Captain DT kicked things off by calling a well-attended press conference and leveling a direct charge at the International Team and its Team Captain KJU. He told the stunned media (more accustomed to language of diplomacy) that “Rocket Boy” had been cheating and needed to start playing by the Rules. “He’s been cheating for 30 years!”, said DT, “and I’m going to stop it! I’m tired of losing!”

DT went on to note that KJU had been launching balls on the practice range with new long-range drivers using a technology that clearly didn’t conform to any manufacturing specifications approved by the USGA in terms of material components or loft angles (R4-1), and further, his team was blatantly violating the maximum club rule (R4-4).

In fact, everyone knew the International Team had been cheating for years, but no one had ever announced it out loud or insulted Team Captain KJU to his face. Player BC said these unseemly announcements might even cause WWIII, and he was quitting the team. DT then replied that BC wasn’t going to be on the next team anyway without his support. BC responded by saying DT was running a day-care center. DT said only the Team Captain can give advice in a team competition (Note, R8-2b). BC responded that even the Team Captain can’t give advice if he’s playing (Dec8/2) … and on, and on….The media loved the back and forth, and quickly moved off the subject of WWIII to inquire  if Ivanka and Melania were coming to the match.

Meanwhile, Foremost and Reader LR were fishing and discussing the University of Mississippi’s decision to adopt the Land Shark as the Team Mascot. LR noted that the University Chancellor had written a letter to the entire University Community explaining why they had picked the Land Shark over the Boll Weevil, and that they would still be known as the Rebels, even though the mascot was a shark. LR said he had heard they were even going to put a salt water wave pool in the Grove for a real shark, although they were going to respectfully request that their fans not throw their gnawed-up chicken wings and empty beer cans in it, or spit tobacco juice on the deck.

F and LR both applauded the peaceful resolution of this issue, at least.

As usual, all comments are welcome!

Respectfully submitted,
F